Beware!

Disney World!

When I was about 7 . I went to Disney World , and we went to see this show there. Well my aunts sister worked there, and she worked it out so I could be in the show. The thing is I didn't know it . I was sitting in the audience waiting for the show to start. Well this lady came down and told me that Donald Duck was going to come down and get me and take me on stage. Well Donald takes me on stage ,and I’m on there with all these Disney characters. There was Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald and more I can't remember. Anyways Donald leads me to this stool on stage in front of all these people...The host of the show comes over to me with his microphone and asks me stuff. I remember telling him my mommy thought he was handsome. Everyone laughed. Then he asked me if I would like to dance with all the Disney characters... So I get up and start dancing. Well my aunts sister had bought me this Daisy Duck hat ( with this duckbill sticking out of the front) That was to big for my head. So as I was dancing my hat kept Falling over my eyes, and I had to lift it up, then it would fall again. I was dancing all over the place... I was jumping and doing the splits. All the while trying to keep my hat on my head , and from covering my eyes. Everyone was laughing even the Disney Characters were laughing lol. After the show allot of people came up to me ,and told me how funny I was. I don't like doing things in front of people anymore. hahaha

Do you know how much you help?

Have you ever had a protective shell around you , and then one day, you let it crack?
That’s how feel right now. I felt I let mine shatter and now I’m left open for everyone to see. The things I was trying to hide ,everyone can now see . Is it a big deal? Well I don’t know. I sometimes forget that people don’t see things through my eyes. I forget that depression doesn’t happen with everyone as well with anxiety and panic disorder. I forget not everyone may understand it or understand you when you go through it.
I was mentally and physically abused as a child. When you are hurt emotionally it can be like any other pain. It can scar, it can effect you for the rest of your life. You may not ever get over it. All you can do is try to help yourself and try and move on, but that more easer said than done I know, but it’s easer then feeling the pain.
If you ever feel your depressed and you have no way out. Do not take it lightly call 911 or go to the hospital. You go to the ER and they will admit you right away. They don’t wait. They take you in.
Don’t ever be afraid of getting the help you need. There is also a Crisis Assist Team 1-800-4 94-7355 if you call this number there will be always someone there to talk to. The people on the Crisis Team are people who have gone through things themselves so they will know what your going through and will know how to help. They are all volunteers and there is someone there 24 7.
It was said we were a family on the message board so I feel I have to give this just in case if anyone should need it.

For a while I was afraid to come out of my room. I was afraid of people. Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of getting maid fun of. I didn’t want to see anyone. My mom took me to see The Haygoods as a birthday present ( well late birthday present by the time the show started. lol). I didn’t want to go. They made me ,and I am so glad they did. It was the one thing I would go to and not be afraid of being out with people. I didn’t care all I wanted to see was them. They just had that something that drew me to them.
From then on that was my birthday tradition to go see The Haygoods.
It’s what I had.
After going to see them I don‘t know… I started becoming more confident. I met people of the message board. Which I would have never done before.
It’s like God sent them to me to help me. That’s how I feel, and that’s why I love them so much. That’s why say their music has done so much for me because it has. I met my best friend Ashley on the board ,and more crazy friends who make me laugh Jason, and Annette lol. I have gotten encouragement to be myself from Shawn Haygood he told me “If someone doesn’t like you for who you are then that’s their problem not yours… Don‘t worry about what they think…” That has helped more then he will ever know…
If The Haygoods can help me this way I know they can help others just with their music. I know they probably already have…

Im sorry mom.

People always say to be yourself. Don’t be afraid to be you, but what if the person you are scares others. When your sad or going through something they run. They run because they don’t want to be apart of your pain. Even me. I did it to my mom.
After my grandma died my mom was so sad and hurt, and she always cried because she felt alone, and she felt she had no one left.
I didn’t know what to do. My mom and real dad were also fighting a lot, and he left . So in the same year my grandmother died my mom and dad had gotten divorce. My mom was crying all the time.
I was too, but I didn’t show it. My mom would leave all the time by this point going to my great aunts or a cousins house. I went with her… Sometimes I didn’t because she had to get away from me too. When things went wrong my mom had her ways of blaming everything on me. I felt everything was my fault. Now even when things go wrong I blame everything on myself and take all the blame onto my shoulder. I mean I was the only one to blame. So she would leave a lot.
Then my great aunt had gotten sick also which was my grandmas sister. She had gotten cancer. At one point they had taken all the cancer out but by this time she was so week she got pneumonia and it killed her. When I was told I was “no this can’t happen again my grandma just passed away not long ago” but it did, and my mom was worse then ever. We never talked she was always out… I was always alone. I know my mom loves me, but in some ways I think she hates me. I wasn’t invited to her wedding with her and my step dad. They always left me out. I have been told by both I’m over too much. And the only times I was there was Thanksgiving and Christmas… I needed some medicine today from my mom and she got mad at me for needing it. Sometimes I feel like such a burden. I feel really bad about who I am and what I put her through that I don’t want to be here just to give her rest.

Elementry Puppy Love...

Now I’m going back to elementary school. Back to the street I lived on with my family. When I lived down the street from my grandmother, and my family lived on the same street. Most of my little tales will not be in order. I will tell them as I remember them.

This next event I remember ,is more of a happy memory for me. Weird ,but happy loll. It is when I graduated from the 6th grade. Yes back then 6th graders were still in elementary, in fact the year I graduated was the year 5th graders graduated for the first time as well, and went on to middle school. Before we go to the dance I am taking us back to before the dance and what all happened leading up to it. Some of the elementary things I remember that helped end this portion of my life…
My crush as this time was a boy named “David Gipson,” I liked him all the way through school. I mean through high school, but were talking about elementary so will just stick to it ha-ha.
Yeah David knew I liked him too. Never pass a note to your friend about the person you like ,when your crush is setting between you. He’ll grab it first. That’s how David found out I liked him. He just read it looked at me and smiled. Then he passed it on to my friend. After she read the note. Amber( my friend) had the same look I did after I saw David read it, because she saw that he had read that I liked him in the note…
David was one of the popular boys in elementary, but I wasn’t so unpopular he didn’t know me or notice me. He was my cousin’s friend and also mine I would guess.
Well that day at lunch he sat by me at our table. He had made my friend Amber scoot over. So once again he was setting between us. The first thing he said was…” So you like me?” he asked me smiling. “That’s good because I thought you hated me.” He was so glad that I didn’t hate him, that he didn’t care that I liked him. The thing was I did hate him when I first saw him. He was a boy, and I had never talked to him. So I just hated him, until we separated into this class for the people who had trouble with letters( I had dyslexia, I think he did too.) and that’s where we got to know each other, and talked. I don’t know why after that he still thought I hated him, but after the note he knew I didn’t, and so did everyone else he told. “ Tiff doesn’t hate me ,she lovess me, she told me in her note.”
I don’t know if he didn’t get the note wasn’t for him or what, but the whole time he was talking I wanted to stuff his mouth with paper. He had to of known it wasn’t, because he had passed it on to Amber after he read it. I still don’t get what happened to this day, but he was so proud that I had a crush on him, he talked to me more than he ever did.
To him it made us better friends, and that was ok with me. I liked liking him.
One day he and this other kid “Jesse” were both going around our lunchroom asking who was cutter. Now Jesse was just as cute as David was, and he was also my friend. I was nervous because I had no idea what I was going to say when they got to me. Well David saved me from that one, he answered for me. He waves his hand at me “ she likes me so I know she will say me.” so they move on. I’m setting there and I’m like “wait a minute.” and he starts laughing and he smiled and looked at me. Who am I kidding of course I would have said him, but I wanted to make them think I had a hard time deciding hahahah.

On Halloween. He came to my door( I didn’t know he knew where I lived) and he had on a mask so of course I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t go trick or treating that year. I just stayed home giving out candy, so when he knocked I answered. He was like “hello TIFFONY.” I gave him one peace of candy and I told him to shut up as I slammed the door in his face. I know , I know. I didn’t know it was David. I thought it was my neighbor for some reason ,and I hated him.
The next day David walks up to me and asks me “ why did you yell and slam the door in my face, do you hate me again?” I didn’t know what he was talking about ,and he told me who he was and what he wore. Ha-ha I know my face turned white. I told him I didn’t know it was him, and that I was “so sorry” he forgave me and he gave me a hug and said I owed him a candy bar :P the brat.

For Valentines when he passed out his Valentines cards he gave out his phone number on the back. He gave it to every girl. I just rolled my eyes at him, but he did give me his number too, but I was not going to call him. I told him that too. He said “ fine then I’ll call you, what’s your number?” I gave him my number. I didn’t think he would call me anyway.
About 3 days later I get a phone call. My mom answers and she told me my friend Amber was on the phone. I say “hello.” and David was like did you’re mom just, call me Amber?” I said “umm I think she did ,sorry.” We just talked. I had asked him about the day in the cafeteria why he answered for me, and he was like “well you were going to say it was me weren’t ya?” I said” Well that’s beside the point and I laughed too.
I liked liking him, and us being friends at the same time. I don’t know most don’t ,but I did. Weird I guess loll.
Well the whole time I liked David there was this boy I hated, and he hated me. His name was Allen. There were even times David had to make him leave me alone or I would get in trouble for kicking Allen in the knee or his shin I always kicked him. He always made me mad ha- ha. I know I wasn’t very nice. He wasn’t either… I remember this one time he threw a kick ball at me, and it hit me in the head. I went to go after him, but David and my cousin Ricky(he was also David’s friend) stopped me because they didn’t want me to get in trouble. So I did, but when we were lining up. Allen had let his guard down and made the mistake of walking passed me to get in line, and I kicked him in the knee. Whoops. “Next thing I heard was Tiffany go to the principles office now!” David looks at me, and shakes his head and goes “Tiff.”
The last year of elementary though David moved because of the our teacher we had. No one liked her, and David’s mom didn’t so she took him out of our school. I was pretty upset. I missed him so much.
By then me and Allen fought less, we still hated each other ,but I had grown out of kicking him. I threw paper at him when he made me mad, but it was better then kicking, ha-ha.
Well I was in the 6th grade at this time, and our graduating elementary school was drawing near of course we were also getting read for the graduation ceremony as well as getting ready for this elementary dance. Guys were asking girls to be their date. Driver being their parents of course. Yeah an elementary dance how fun dose that sound? Going to a gym with silly ten and eleven year olds ,dancing poorly with parents standing everywhere watching, and laughing at you. If that were to happen in high school no one would come. Yet we were so cool at our first dance ever. Well in this school anyway.
I wasn’t looking for a date, I didn’t like anyone enough to ask them, and I didn’t think anyone would ask me. In my mind I was just going to the graduation dinner and I would be done with it. Well that didn’t happen. A few days before the dance Allen asked me if I would go with him. Ok he asked me, and I thought he hated me. I mean I would kick him! Go figure. I didn’t know what to tell him, I told him “ I would think about it, that I didn’t know if I wanted to go with anyone.” he said “ok” and just went to set down.
He never asked me again ,so I thought he found someone else. At least I hoped he did.
One day I was at my grandmas. While my mom was down the street at our house. My cousin Ricky, my grandma, my aunt ,and I were all watching a movie. I don’t remember why my mom wasn’t there yet with us, but I remember she was coming. Well when she got there. She had us pause the movie, and she told me she had to talk to me.
She was like “I did something.” We just looked at her, everyone was still there as she was telling me. She said she told some boy that I would go to the dance with him. I just sat there, Ricky started laughing at me. “Whyyyyyyyy, we hate each other!” I said whining to my mom. “Well now your going with him.” I was upset and confused at the same time. My mom picked my date, she answered for me. So there I was with a date to a dance ,I dreaded, grrr.
Well that night Allen and his mom picked me up, “Shush” . He had for me a corsage and a flower. In my head I was telling myself “ this can’t be the person I would kick all the time.”
Well first we headed for the banquet which was at a different place then the dance. My mom was there but Allen and I ended up setting at another table with my friends. They kept saying how cute we looked, and everyone was saying “awe” everywhere.
As I sat Allen helped me with my chair got my drink and dinner. While I was trying to figure him out.
Well at the dance I told myself, I was not going to dance, I do not want to. Allen would ask me over and over to dance. My mom would ask me to dance with him, but I wouldn’t . I was afraid it would end bad.
Finally. Jesse comes over and pulls my arm to the dance floor, and he starts dancing with me. He tells me to dance with Allen.
“Fine” I said, so after my dance with Jesse , I go over to where Allen is sitting. I pull him out of his chair, and said lets go dance. So we danced and everyone was smiling at me. I ended up smiling and enjoying my night. It was fun and I won’t forget it…

What was lost....

I can ‘t tell you how old I was, when I was first taught how to ride a bike with no training wheels , but I can tell how it happened and what color my bike was. With most of the things I did as a child I have to guess my age, but I have no problem picturing the events in my head. In some cases I can see them too well. When I was young my mom, dad ,and I lived on the same street as my cousins, and at least 3 aunts and uncles, as well as my Grandma Delores and my Grandpa John. We lived on Lyon street.

It was my whole world. I didn’t need to be anywhere else. I had my cousins to play with and to spend the night. My best friend Amanda lived down the street. It was all I needed. My family was around me.

I always loved Christmas eve. We would all go to my Grandmas house and celebrated it there ( we celebrated everything there). Me and my mom would always be the first ones who showed up, because my mom would help my Grandparents cook, and it was always exciting for me to watch who was coming through front door next .

It’s a wonderful thing to have family. When you have so many to get gifts for. And even to get gifts from the ones that love you.

Us kids had our spots we picked every year it was so much fun.

Every Sunday we would go to church also . My mom didn’t go but I did, and I would set with my grandma and my cousins. Then after church we would all go to my grandparents house and have Sunday dinner.

But little by little my world came tumbling down as well as my families….

When I was young I was hurt by a cousin, and I didn’t have the courage to say or do anything.

Also my grandma had gotten sick .

She had a heart attack. She was in the hospital for a week . Then as she was getting better they were going to transfer her to a different hospital, but on the way she had a stroke. So they had to bring her back.

She was paralyzed on the left side of her body. And it had changed her.

I saw my Grandmother as a strong woman before, and after her stroke , she was more like a child. Even the way she acted.
It wasn’t that I loved my grandma any less . It just hurt because I know my grandma liked running things and taking care of people not people taking care of her. It was hard.

We stopped having Sunday dinner, and I didn’t go to church with her anymore. (I feel so bad about that. Maybe that’s why I can’t go now? )

Everyday after school instead of walking home I would walk to my grandmas, because my mom would take care of her until my grandpa got home, and my grandma could never be home alone.

One day it was almost Valentines day. Grandma was in a good mood that day. Smiling at everyone. Which was rare usually my grandma had cried a lot .My mom left grandma’s early ,but I was there . Watching television. Grandma came in and told me I could leave. I didn’t want to , but she insisted she would be ok, so I left.

A little while later, I guess my uncle went to visit her he had found her. He ran to our house, and the next thing I knew I was hearing my mom crying on the phone screaming she’s dead , she’s dead!

Then I found out it was my grandma they were talking about She had fallen from a stool . So I ran down to her house. Their was an ambulance there and my little cousin was standing outside crying. Seeing as I couldn’t go in. I ran to my aunt Dixie’s who lived down the street.

I told her what happened. She was babysitting and she asked me to watch the kids she had so she could run to my grandmas.

It was something I will never forget. I felt so bad for leaving. I should have never of left her alone.

That night I was cent to some friends house. After it was all over I found out I lost my grandma.

I blamed myself for not staying for the simple fact I knew better.

After that the family I knew fell a part. I was an only child but my cousins were close and I had lost that. We all did . The Christmas Eves were gone. We had tried to have one the year after my grandma had passed away, but it wasn’t the same . So we didn’t try again. My aunts and uncles all moved away. All of our get togethers are no more, and I hardly ever see my cousins. Never take your family get togethers for granted. I hear people say all the time how they hate them, but when they are gone you will miss them, and how they were. Believe me I know. You will miss the love it brought so much it hurts...